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I'll be the judge of that

28th February 2011

When you think you’ve heard them all... Judges in Sweden have been given lessons in poker to help them to adjudicate over a gambling case in the country’s capital, Stockholm. What next, lessons in drug addiction before sentencing an addict to rehab and six months in the poke? Drunk and disorderly? I can see it now, “get that down your neck m’lud, lovely jubbly bubbly, go on, down it in one. Oh and don’t forget that line of tequila shooters, the Drambuie and the Vodka. And I expect you to drink the vodka through your eye socket like the youngsters are doing right now.”

You could bring in expert speciality trainers for the beaks. Winona Ryder could take a class on shoplifting, “Your honour is perfectly dressed for the discrete and undetected theft of the Imperial Leather Shower Gel on shelf three. Turn your back to the security camera, look around, lift up your black cloak and swoop around catching the gel in your outstretched hand. Then drop it into the false lining and hey presto, a saving of one pound ninety nine. That’s how you do it Your Highness.”

Or you could have Boy George give tips on unlawful restraint, “The choice of handcuffs is particularly important dearie, they can’t be cheapos from Love Honey, no you want industrial strength manacles preferably as used by the City of New York Police Department. Oh and don’t forget to check that the radiator won’t come away when the naughty alleged rent boy you’ve chained up tries to run away.”

The possibilities are endless. Perhaps I have stumbled upon the meaning to life, the universe and the Big Society? Could this be the answer to your problem David? Have I ridden to the rescue of your much maligned, detested and rejected initiative that nobody understands?

Lessons for judges in drug taking would be very cool. I would draft in RastaMouse myself – I know what you mean when you say you are hungry for cheese RastaMouse, you don’t fool me! Or perhaps Boy George could help? In fact with George you get a combo! Soliciting police officers in public toilets and drug taking! The judges will be ‘street’ in no time and I’m sure the sentences they pass down will be appropriate and proportionate. “So, Master Stevenson, you have been found guilty of peddling low strength marijuana. It is the verdict of this court that you are taken down and given lessons in the proper way to grow good powerful skunk that will turn a profit and hit the spot!”

Perhaps not! I prefer my judges just the way they are, a little doddery and out of touch and asking questions such as ‘what is the x factor?’ Though if they want any practice in spending time with a beautiful babe, enjoying charming and sexy company in the comfort of your own home then they should give us a ring, our visiting escorts will have them up to speed in no time!