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Stars in my eyes

5th April 2011

What is the fascination with Katie Price, otherwise known as Jordan? Now I know what you’re thinking. He’s writing about her, right? And if he’s writing about her he’s just one of the many twitterers and bloggers that keep her name in Cyberspace and so there is an irony in asking a question which in itself would propagate the question? Mmmmm. My point is, what has she done except a sex tape, and a not very good one at that.

I haven’t seen too many celebrity sex tapes. I watched the Paris Hilton one, ‘One night in Paris’ and the only thing good about it is the pun in the title. Paris was the least erotic woman on celluloid I have ever seen. Ena Sharples packed more erotic punch. Her strange childish high pitched squeak of a voice, oo, ah, mmm, hmm hmm etc. The strange lighting – who thought it was a good idea to film in the flippin’ dark? Suffice to say that the lad holding the camera is hardly Spielberg. And the strange dots of light where the eyes should have been. But most important of all, the total absence of anything going on that made you think the two on screen were actually enjoying themselves. Anyone who has not seen the South Park Paris Hilton episode should go out and buy it right now, hilarious and the green lighted, eye dotted, non-sexy sex tape passage is not to be missed.

Another sex tape I have seen (about a dozen times if the truth be known...) is the Abi Titmarsh, John Leslie extravaganza in which a personality free Ms Titmarsh performs fellatio on our hero before engaging in romps with a hooker. None of it at all sexy and it just comes across like she doesn’t want to be there. The only redeeming feature is the five minutes of footage of Abi in the bath with a blonde babe – now that is sexy and what it taught me was that Abi liked the girl better than the boy as she is very enthusiastic.

By now you are probably jumping up and down shouting “but what about Pammie?” Yep, Pamela Anderson, she of the red bathing cossie from Baywatch. The pneumatic and sexy Ms Anderson, well she used to be. Forever chasing eternal youth and still thinking she’s a sex symbol, Pammie doesn’t have the mojo any more, at least not in my eyes. But at least she looks like she’s enjoying getting it on with Tommy Lee so that’s something.

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